A Modern-Day ‘Christmas Carol’

By Tom Vartabedian

“I blame you cynical writers for destroying the spirit of Christmas,” a lady told me. “If you must dwell on the human condition, why can’t you do so with the warmth of a Charles Dickens?”

“After all, his ‘Christmas Carol’ has done so much to keep Christmas alive. Why can’t people write stories like that today?”

Okay, lady. I’ll take a whirl at it. But I’m no Dickens.

Once upon a time, there was a very mean man named Ebenezer Scrooge. He was chairman of Ebenezer Scrooge Consolidate of Merrimack Valley—a heartless conglomerate if there ever was one.

He hated his employees, particularly Bob Cratchit. But, of course, he couldn’t fire young Cratchit because young Cratchit was a card-carrying member of Local 2462, Miscellaneous Office Workers Union, AFL-CIO. The man had job security.

Actually, young Cratchit was very loyal and hard working. He was loyal to the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots. He worked very hard, 7 hours and 20 minutes each day with two short coffee breaks and a half-hour for lunch as provided in the union contract, Paragraph 127, Section 3A, Page 42.

Cratchit lived in a humble $250,000 home with his wife, who was recording secretary of the Women’s Club in town, and his son, Tiny Tim.

Now, Tiny Tim was 6 feet, 2 inches tall, had long, wavy hair, a big nose, and loafed around the house all day playing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on his tiny ukulele.

One day, young Cratchit nervously entered old Scrooge’s office. “If you please, sir,” he said, “I’d like the week before Christmas off because my son, Tiny Tim, is sick.”

“How can you tell?” growled old Scrooge, who had seen Tiny Tim.

“He’s sick of watching television and wants me to drive him to the Rock, Pot and Yogurt Festival. He feels he may find himself there.”
“Bah, humbug!” cried old Scrooge. “You have already used up your four weeks vacation, your 42 days accrued sick leave, and your paid holiday for your mother-in-law’s birthday. Get back to the water cooler!”

Well, that afternoon old Scrooge was visited by the past president, president and president-elect of Local 2462.

“Either you mend your ways, Scrooge,” said the three presidents, “or we’ll hit you with a harassment suit, a sit-down strike and a week-long boycott.”

Right there, a marvelous change of heart came over old Scrooge. He not only gave young Cratchit the week before Christmas off, but the week after, too.

In the end, though, Tiny Tim decided to stay home instead and watch the “Happy Days” reruns. But the little family celebrated with a jolly feast of Mother McGruder’s home-cooked TV dinners, which Mrs. Cratchit warmed to a turn.

And Tiny Tim made the most emotional toast of all.

“Local 2462, Miscellaneous Office workers, AFL-CIO, bless us one and all.”

So, if Christmas doesn’t quite seem what it was in Scrooge’s day, it’s only because the rest of the year is so much better, economically speaking.
And in our affluent society at this season, we can at least give thanks that working and living conditions have improved for most everyone—including us writers.

Peace!